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what lies beneath
so, I just got out of a retreat cabin. eight days of no people. no phone. no computer. just me and my mind and a wood stove for heat that sometimes worked and sometimes inexplicably filled the cabin with smoke.
I did a lot of zen retreats in my 20s, but this was my first one since becoming a dad. ten 40 minute periods of meditation, with walking meditation in between, just watching the play of mind as it reaches out over and over for something to latch onto, something to keep it entertained. somehow, just paying attention isn’t enough. we need a show.
sitting for that long boiled it all down for me in a way I can’t experience in my day to day life: I’m just a human being among other human beings, doing the best I can. underneath the judgments we pile on ourselves, I think this is what we all are.
sometimes I think that, without killing myself daily with judgment — all the ways in which I don’t add up, all the ways I assumed my life would turn out that haven’t — that I won’t ever become who I dreamed of becoming, that I will somehow let myself off the hook.
I got a chance to see that all that judgment is the way I keep myself locked down, my face in the shitter, instead of accepting what is — my humanness — and going from there. from that starting point, rooted in reality, I can create something new in my life.
so here’s to taking some time off from the rat race, unplugging, and seeing what lies beneath.
etc.
8 Responses to “what lies beneath”
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Sounds like it did you good. You sound like you are feeling better about yourself, your life and what’s ahead. Awesome!
Zen finds the beauty in nothing, and I mean that in the most positives of ways.
That sounds amazing! It’s sad how reliant some of us are on technology. It would be great to do what you’ve done. Can’t wait to hear some of the lyrics you came up with!
What a beautiful message today. We should all pull back and look at life like this…….ahhh if only I had the time!
Some times I just want to hide out in the middle of nowhere, too.
I’m a new fan. Just listened to “this night” and I was hooked. I’m in Afghanistan so buying and downloading your music is taking forever lol. Anyways just thought you’d like to hear that.
awesome, Carlos. great to hear. thx all for the comments.
it is hard to explain to you the impact you have had on my life. i have laughed and cried,played and f%cked, forced everyone in my life to listen to you, be comforted by and worked though a ton of shit while listening to your music. i write to u time to time and say “i love u guys” because i feel embarrassed that u will see me as a “star stuck fan.” Someday i hope I will sit in the audience to watch u. Someday I hope just to touch ur face. Such a silly girl who listens to your music and prays that someday someone will love me like that….with the passion u have for her.